A question I am often asked, “How do I even begin to prioritize myself?” My first response, “It is never easy, but it is possible.” The expectations on your shoulders are great, but following these steps and continuing to give yourself and your kids grace in the process will greatly improve your chance of becoming a priority again.
Step 1: Determine an Area of Focus
This one is simple and, yet, complicated. Moms want to do everything and be everything to everyone. However, if you are having trouble doing anything for yourself, you have to start in an easy and focused way. Picking only one area of focus will make you far more likely to be successful.
So find ONE way you’d like to prioritize yourself ex. I don’t drink enough water throughout the day. I’d like to drink more water.
Step 2: Set a Reasonable, Attainable and Specific Goal
When I was working with my former clients and students, if they wanted to accomplish something I always encouraged them to give me a reasonable, attainable and specific way for them to do this for themselves. The more narrowed down you are, the more likely you will be to accomplish your goal.
Following the example of drinking more water, you want to give yourselves parameters i.e. I will drink 32 oz of water by 12:00 PM. This sets an outline for your day. You know that by noon you have to drink a half gallon. It is in line with health standards i.e. how much water your body needs in a day & it is in black and white to make sure that you are clear with exactly what needs to be accomplished.
Step 3: Advocate for and Defend Your Goal
I find this to be the most difficult step as a mom. The hardest thing to do is follow through for yourself, especially if you have children who constantly need you. Learning to advocate for yourself is the best thing you can do, not only for you, but for your children. When you show your children that you are a priority too, you model it to them. In the moment it can be a struggle, but your children will learn the value of self-care and boundaries. They will be more resilient because of these small actions that you take for yourself and when you are better for you, you are better for them.
Since you have laid out your goal: to drink 32 oz of water by 12 pm, now you have to follow through. For example, if your child is having a hard time i.e. a tantrum, meltdown, but your needs have not been met, you can say, “I know you’re having a hard time right now, but mama will be with you as soon as I finish drinking this cup of water.”
I know this statement may sound weird coming out of your mouth. It may even sound unrealistic, but it’s because mothers have been conditioned for so long to put their child’s every need above their own. In order to break that cycle, you need to do things that sound a little weird or go against the status quo and you need to do them over and over again. Your child, as long as no physical harm will come to them in the moment, will be okay. They are frustrated, upset, and having trouble regulating their emotions. Would you rather go to them depleted or after having taken a moment for yourself? Would you rather run to them out of anxiety or that automatic mom response or would you rather have a calm approach to their emotions?
Every time you take a moment for yourself, you are better for them.
Step 4: Reflect, Evaluate, & Appreciate
With everything going against you and you maybe never having taken any true, intentional time for yourself since you became a mom, you will not be perfect at making yourself a priority. You can expect that. It is never easy, so make sure you check in with yourself regularly. Give yourself grace and appreciation in the process.
Ask yourself: How did I do today? How do I feel about it? Was my goal actually reasonable for my daily life?
In the event you didn’t meet your goal, say to yourself: Even though I didn’t ___________, I am proud that I _______________.
Ex. Even though I didn’t meet my goal of drinking 32 oz of water by 12 pm. I am proud that I advocated for myself in a stressful moment.
In the event that you did meet your goal, celebrate it. Then see what you can do tomorrow!
Throughout the four steps, I used the example of drinking water. You can apply this to any area of need that YOU may have. If you’re having any trouble setting up a reasonable or attainable goal for yourself, I’d be glad to help you. Please feel free to email me to chat.
Disclaimer: I am not trying to sell you anything. I genuinely want to help.
Credibility: I am a trained Mental Health and School Counselor turned Stay-at-Home Mom of 2 boys. I have specific experience in assisting clients and students meet their goals and support their emotional needs.